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I didn’t bus blog this morning because I didn’t take the bus. Either my alarm didn’t go off this morning, or I slept through it. I’m not discounting the possibility that I woke up and turned it off, probably on accident instead of hitting snooze, but I have no memory of this.

So, waking up late, and still exhausted from rock climbing after work yesterday, I sprang to, instantly realizing that I was late. I’ve had some trouble getting to work on time this week. Tuesday I took the wrong bus, yesterday, my boyfriend took the wrong bus (see, it can happen to anyone!) so I had to go get him on my lunch, then we ate, making my 1/2 lunch an hour, and today, late again. My guy had to get up early and take me because he needed the car today.  

Feeling anxious about being late to work, despite taking a whole Valium, I decided it was best to grab some breakfast and deal with being later. It was a good choice. However, now I feel compelled to go into work early tomorrow. Yuck.

I haven’t been able to adjust to how relaxed my workplace is. I’m not complaining about that. Except it would be nice to have a little more structure, training, clearly defined expectations… But no one, aside from myself, seems to care that I’ve been late. No one has said a single thing to me about it. I asked if I could come in early to make up the time, my boss said “sure”.

It’s so strange. It would appear I am allowed to Skype, write, do really whatever I want as long as I’m taking calls. I’ve even seen coworkers playing video games on their phones while on calls. Speaking if video games, they just put an Xbox in the conference room for breaks.

But with all this, I still feel like I’m doing something wrong when I’m doing non-company things. I instinctively switch between screens when my bosses walk by. Which is often. I must look so dumb. It’s the sort of thing that no one can ever do successfully quick enough.

Other coworkers take far too many, far too long of breaks. I feel compelled to take my ten min breaks at the specified times and work otherwise. I really just want one of my bosses to come out and say, “do whatever you want as long as you’re doing your job too”. But that seems unlikely to happen. And so i feel perpetually anxious and out of place. Perhaps in time it’s something that I will get used to and be able to relax.